A New Life
by CelticFaerie2
Summary: Chapter 9! In which Abby finds out where Carter and Bella are..!Please read and review. Thanks!
1. Default Chapter

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
*Standard disclaimers apply. You know what they are.   
  
Prologue  
  
I am busy with a patient, and even though the door opens I don't look up. I make notes on the patient's chart.  
  
"Can you take a break?" The deep. Husky catch in his voice catches me off guard. I almost drop my pen when I look up at him. His eyes are swollen, he looks like hell.   
  
My shift started less than two hours ago. I'm not due for a break yet. I should tell him no, he'll have to wait. But I can't do that. No matter what he said to me the last time we talked, no matter how hurt and upset I am at him, I can't refuse him now. He needs me, and I never could refuse him anything.  
  
"Give me two minutes. I'll meet you in the lunge."  
  
He shakes his head, his hair falls over his eye and he jerks it away. "No. I'll wait here." He steps out of the room and it's all I can do to finish checking on my patient.   
  
I can see him through the window on the door. He's leaning against the wall, his head tilted back. He looks weary. Defeated. What could have happened since last night? Last night when he told me, or didn't tell me but I guessed, he was going to find Luka in the Congo to volunteer with the World Medical Group or whatever they're called.  
  
Luka! The thought of Luka hurt in Africa sent a shock of fear through me. I drop my patient chart and turn to the door. "Carter?"  
  
He takes my hand and leads me upstairs, to the roof. Oh this is bad. Oh God, if Luka got killed over there…  
  
"Is it Luka?" My voice sounds small, I barely recognize it as mine. I take a deep breath and try not to let my mind create an image of Luka dead in some jungle on the other side of the world.  
  
Carter shakes his head and reaches for my hands. He's looking at me like he's never seen me before. I feel nervous under his gaze. I want him to look away, but when he does that scares me even more. "Carter, what is it? Is Luka dead?" I almost choke on the word.  
  
"No." He's leaning against the railing over looking the street below. He looks desperate enough to launch himself over the side. I try to pull him away but he is anchored there and he won't budge.  
  
"My mother went to Switzerland to see my sister. They were in a car accident. My mother was killed instantly. My sister is probably going to die too. The baby is okay, not a scratch on her. I didn't even know Barbara had a baby. I have to go over there." He looks down at our hands, laces his fingers in mine and brings my hand up to his heart. His pulse is racing. "I'm leaving tonight and I thought…I mean…I know you don't have vacation or anything and I'm sorry about what I said the last time we talked. I really want you, I need you to go with me, Abby. Will you go with me?"  
  
I stare at him. I don't know what to say. I know the answer, the only answer I can give, but I can't find the words. I stare into his eyes and I know I have to do this for him. I nod and a moment later his arms are around me, his face buried in the curve of my neck. I feel his tears spread over the thin material of my scrub top. I bring my hands up to the back of his neck.  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
Chapter One  
  
He doesn't let go of my hand until he's standing in front of the door. "I have to go in alone," he says and pushes his hand through his hair. I stuff my hand in my pocket to try to hold on to his warmth.  
  
He goes into the room, and I watch through the window. I feel like I am violating his right, her right, to privacy. She's weak, and the doctor doesn't have much hope for her. She's going to die. It's just a matter of time.  
  
She reaches for his hand, and he brings his up to meet hers. His body shakes slightly and I know he's crying. She pulls her hand away from his and reaches up to wipe his cheeks. He covers her hand with his and holds it against his jaw.  
  
Carter never talked about his sister, except to say she lived in Switzerland an he hadn't seen her since she went over seas. He rarely spoke to her on the phone. They were never close, even as children, but he loved her and in his heart he knew she loved him.   
  
I eventually turned away from the scene and leaned against the wall to wait for him. I stand up straight when he comes out of her room. He wipes at his eyes and tries to smile. He looks so weary, I just want to take him in my arms and hold him until this all goes away like a bad dream, except we both know it isn't a dream and it isn't just going to go away.  
  
"She asked me to take care of Isabelle." His voice is thick and raspy.  
  
I think my jaw almost hit the floor. I don't know why I didn't expect that. Of course she would ask him. He's her brother, the only family she has other than her father now, and Isabelle's father was never part of the picture. "Take care of?" I repeat because I had to say something and I didn't know what to say.   
  
He looks at me for a long tense moment. "There's no one else."   
  
I nod and he nods and he holds his arms out to me. I go to him and he holds me. My arms are around him, my head against his chest.   
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
Time seems to stand still while we're waiting. The social worker left us sitting on a shapeless couch in a dull, dingy, undecorated waiting room. Cater has a death grip on my hand and I'm afraid he's going to break one of my fingers if they don't bring the baby to us soon. It seems like we've been waiting an hour, but my watch has barely ticked off five minutes.  
  
I wonder what is going through his mind. He hasn't said anything the whole time we've been waiting. He's sitting here, stiff and still, as if he's afraid to move. Only his fingers twitch every few seconds and I see the nerve jump along his jaw.  
  
Finally the door opens and she's there. The social worker, if that's what they're called in Switzerland, is carrying the baby. Carter stands, but doesn't let go of my hand which forces me to stand as well. He flexes his fingers and lets go, wipes his palms on his thighs and steps forward.  
  
The social worker shifts the baby's position and pulls the blanket down so we can see her face. She's beautiful. I've never seen baby pictures of Carter but I think she must look like him.   
  
He takes her and holds her against his chest. He's always had a way with babies in the ER, and this one is no exception. She looks up at him, her eyes locked on his face, and he's smiling at her with tears glistening in his eyes.  
  
I stand behind him, looking at the little angel in his arms. "She is beautiful," I whisper, and he nods without looking at me. He can't take his eyes off her, and I can't blame him. She belongs to him, or maybe he belongs to her now. He's taking her home to Chicago in two days, the day after we commit her mother and her grandmother to the ground.  
  
I don't know what's going to happen after that. I don't know what this will mean for us. I don't eve know if there is going to be an us to worry about after this. I hope so. I hope he will let me help him.   
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
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	2. Chapter 2

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Barbara's funeral is today.   
  
I'm still in the bed, which is the couch in Barbara's living room, listening to Carter talk to the baby. He started calling her Bella yesterday. She's started fussing, and I an tell he's at a loss. He doesn't know what to do.  
  
She's been so good, so content the last two days. He held her as much as humanly possible, and even let her sleep on his chest. She's so little, too little to understand what has happened. But she must know her mother is gone, the one person who was always there with her, taking care of her.  
  
I'm really worried about Carter. He's lost his grandmother, his mother, and his sister within two weeks. He's inherited a family fortune, unfathomable family obligations, and now a baby, and he's never been around kids before, except in the ER and those come and go. This one is his. And he doesn't really know what to do with her.  
  
Especially now. She's crying. He's pacing the small kitchen, trying to give her a bottle. She's not interested. She flails her little fists at him, and I think she would bop him on the nose if she could coordinate herself enough to do it.  
  
She's only seven weeks old. Not even two months.   
  
I think about getting up and helping him, but what would I do? I have more experience with babies because of my time as an OB nurse, but this is totally different. Carter needs to work through the rough spots for himself. I just don't know if it's fair to leave him on his own the day of the funeral.  
  
He must be so torn up inside. He held himself together pretty well at his gamma's funeral, probably because his father was there and he would rather die than show any weakness to his father. His mother's body has already been sent back to Chicago to be buried there.   
  
I wonder how much he can take before he breaks. He's going to break, I know he is. I can feel it in the air. I think that baby is the only thing that has kept it from happening already, because he's so focused on her.  
  
"Come on, sweetheart. You've got to eat something. You haven't eaten since last night, I know you're hungry. Babies are supposed to eat every couple hours. It's been twelve." He tries again to put the bottle in her mouth. She jerks her head from side to side to refuse it. "I know your mama breast fed you, but I can't do that. This is the best I can do, honey. Please eat for me."  
  
He looks, and sounds, like he's about to cry. I untangle my legs from the sheets and get up. I do what needs to be done in the bathroom, then head to the kitchen. He's sitting at the table with her, shifting her to his other arm.  
  
"Carter, can I try?" I put my hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me, tears glistening in his eyes. He looks back down at the baby and nods but makes no move to hand her to me.  
  
I take her gently out of his arms, and hold her against my breast. She stops fussing and looks up at me. Carter hands me the bottle, and I show it to her. She doesn't seem interested. Who can blame her? She can't ask, can't understand where her mother is. She only knows the one person she could always count on is gone.   
  
I walk her to the window, mostly so I can look out. After a minute, I offer the bottle, and she takes it. I can see our reflection in the mirror, and Carter standing behind us. This is what it would be like if we had a child together. I hate that I feel disappointed the baby in my arms isn't ours.  
  
I turn from the window to look at him. His eyes say so much more than words and I want to reach out to him. I want to take him in my arms and hold him to my chest. I want to stroke his hair and run my finger across his jaw. I want to kiss him and surrender to him.  
  
He takes a step toward me and I know he's feeling the same things I am.   
  
He puts his arms around my waist and lays his cheek against my shoulder. One hand comes up to ret on Bella. I feel the energy surrounding us like an electric current.  
  
* * * * * * * * *   
  
He holds her through out the funeral. I sit beside him with my hand on his arm, my fingers occasionally twitching to touch the baby's head. Carter stares straight ahead, listening to the preacher.   
  
There is a small gathering of people behind us. I wonder who they are. Friends? Co-workers? No family, other than Carter. His father, Barbara's father, couldn't even make it. No one from their mother's family wanted to make the trip to Switzerland. Kind of reminds me of my own family. No one really cares enough to go out of the way for anyone else.   
  
I wonder how Carter turned out the way he did. Born into wealth, raised mostly by hired help because his parents were more interested in themselves instead of their children, he should have been as angry and bitter and self-centered as the rest of them. But he doesn't care about the money.  
  
His brother died when they were just kids, which pushed his parents even further away from him, and left him with a gaping hole in his heart. I'm not sure he ever really got over Bobby's death. I know that's why he went into medicine, against the wishes of his family. He wanted to help people.   
  
He and his sister never got along, especially after Bobby died. Barbara inherited the basic Carter mindset: take care of number one and don't waste your time worrying about who you have to step on to do it. But even she broke away from the family as soon as she could.  
  
How did he turn out to be so sweet, so caring, so sensitive? He's the most emotional man I know, and the only man I have ever known who isn't afraid to cry in front of me. Luka kept everything bottled up, Richard found other outlets. There were others, too many to name, too many to remember. But not one ever cried with me or let me hold them or comfort them or just be with them.   
  
Seems kind of morbid to realize just how much I love him at his sister's funeral, but right now I don't think I could love him more. He is so beautiful, and he looks so perfect holding the baby.  
  
As soon as the service is done, he takes Bella to the casket. I want to stand with him, but I think he needs a few minutes alone with the baby and his sister.   
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
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	3. Chapter 3

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Carter shipped most of Barbara's things to Chicago, keeping only a few of Bella's toys and necessities to take back on the plane. He hesitated when it was time to leave the apartment and took Bella through the rooms one last time. I waited by the door, trying not to cry, knowing he needed me to be strong for him, so he wouldn't cry.  
  
He held Bella against his chest with one hand and reached for my hand with his other. He laced his fingers in mine and squeezed gently. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. I understood what he was trying to say without words.  
  
We climbed into the cab and still he said nothing. I just held his hand and watched the scenery go by. This whole experience felt surreal, like I was merely watching the events of someone else's life. I could only imagine what Carter was feeling.  
  
Losing his grandmother had been hard enough. Now his mother and his sister too. We should get to Chicago only hours before his mother's funeral, and if we miss a connection or if one of the flights falls behind, he could miss it. A small part of me thinks that might be a good thing, like divine intervention, because I don't know how much more of this he can take. .   
  
The baby is fussing when we get on he plane. One of the flight attendants asks if she can help. The way she's looking at us, she thinks it's our baby. I think everyone must naturally assume that. I just smile at them and let them believe it.   
  
I try to sleep as much as I can on the plane. Carter isn't in the mood to talk, so I leave him to his silence. He' has a lot on his mind. I wonder if he's thinking about how different his life is going to be with Bella.   
  
I dream about how much I want to be a part of their lives. I want to be there when Bella is a little older, waiting for her when she gets off school. Maybe there will be another baby by then.   
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"Why don't you leave Bella with me, we'll wait right here for you," I suggest after we get our bags at the airport in Chicago.  
  
He shakes his head. "I'd rather keep her with me."  
  
"Then I'm going too." We walk in silence to the car. He struggles with the seat belt and Bella's car seat, but he finally gets it.  
  
He turns the radio on an easy listening station and turns it down low. He doesn't say anything and I don't know what to say so we drive in silence. After a few minutes I lean back and close my eyes.   
  
The next thing I know the car has stopped and I sit up. Wal-Mart? I squint at the neon sign.  
  
He glances at Bella in the back seat. Sound asleep. Drooling all over herself.   
  
"I have to get her some formula," he says softly. "Do you need anything?"  
  
I shake my head. "I'll just stay with her." I know he wants to take her with him, or he wants me to offer to go in and get the milk. "Do you want me…"  
  
He shakes his head. "I'll get it. I won't be long."  
  
I watch him go and I wonder, not for the first time, what is going on in his mind. What must he be thinking? Does he have any idea how this baby is going to change his life?   
  
He isn't gone but ten minutes. He looks like some homeless person as he walks back to the car. His hair is rumpled, his clothes wrinkled.   
  
"Do you want me to take you home? Because I thought you could come back to the house with us…"  
  
I nod. "Okay."   
  
He doesn't say anything else, and the next thing I know, we're in the garage at the Carter family mansion. His mansion, I correct myself. It's all his now. His grandmother left his father a sizeable trust fund, and everything else is Carter's. Barbara got nothing in the will, and everything she had is Carter's too.  
  
I get our bags out of the back and stand by the car waiting for him to get Bella out. This is how it should be. How sweet to think we have just gotten home from vacation in Switzerland.   
  
He walks like he can barely keep his head up. I know he's tired. He'd probably sleep for a week straight if he could. That would be sweet too. A week in bed, in his arms…I could deal with that.  
  
He puts Bella's seat on the kitchen table and starts fixing her a bottle. She's awake and watching him, not making a sound. His silence bothers me. On one hand I don't want him to talk, because I'm not good with other people's emotions. On the other hand I want him to talk because I know it's important for him to get all the crazy, mixed up feelings he's feeling out in the open.   
  
I sit down at the table beside Bella. The kitchen is huge. It reminds me of a restaurant or an institution.  
  
Carter fixes the bottle, takes Bella out of the seat, and walks away without a word to me. I sit there for a few minutes, because I'm not sure if I should follow him. But I finally get up and go into the other room/.  
  
This house is amazing. It looks like no one lives in it. Like no one *could* live in it. Not a thing out of place. Of course there are maids and butlers and gardeners and a slew of other servants to keep everything in order. I wonder if Carter will keep them on, or let them go now that his grandmother is gone.  
  
He's sitting on the couch with the baby. She's pushing her little fists against him, refusing the bottle again.   
  
"She might need some time to settle down after flying for so long."  
  
"She hasn't eaten since before we left Switzerland."  
  
"She's fine, Carter. You know that. She doesn't have to eat every four hours. She'll eat later."  
  
He nods and looks at me. Tears spill over his eyes, and he closes them. "I just feel like she's all I have."  
  
"I know. I know, Carter." I sit beside him and put my arms around him. Our foreheads touch. "It's going to be okay. It will get better."  
  
He nods. "I know. I just doesn't feel like it right now."  
  
"Do you think she'll take another nap? We should try to get some sleep…"  
  
He looks at his watch and shakes his head. "We have to meet my father in two hours."  
  
"He doesn't know about Bella, does he?" I reach out and stroke the crown of her head.  
  
"No. I don't know what he'll say. He won't make a scene at the cemetery."  
  
"Good."  
  
He looks down at Bella, and I can almost see the wheels turning in his head. I'm almost afraid to move or make a sound.  
  
"Thank you, Abby," he says softly.   
  
"For what?" I gnaw on my bottom lip.   
  
"For everything. For being with me."  
  
"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Carter. I hope you know that."  
  
"I do." He leans forward just a little, and I instinctively tilt my head back to accept his kiss.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Please use the review button, it's there for a reason. And please, please, please tell me if you have any title suggestions. I am totally blocked on the title for this one. I just can't seem to find anything that fits just right…Maybe one of you can think of something??? Please! And don't forget to let me know what you think of the story too! Thanks so much for reading! 


	4. Chapter 4

A New Life (Previously "Untitled")  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
A/N: Many thanks to all who have reviewed, and special thanks to everyone who offered title suggestions…I have settled on "A New Life" suggested by jrGoose…But you are all appreciated!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
I watch Carter's father as we approach, and how his brow arches in question about the baby his son carries. "Dad," Carter says and frees his right hand, offering it to his father.   
  
"John. Abby, nice to see you."  
  
"Nice to see you too, Mr. Carter," I say and it sounds weird to say. For one thing it is not nice to see him, and certainly not on a day like this.   
  
He raises his eyes to his son and Carter shrugs. "This is your grand daughter, Bella."  
  
"You two certainly do work fast."  
  
"She's Barbara's."  
  
Jack Carter rolls his eyes and seems disgusted. "She better not cry during the service."  
  
I watch Carter watch him walk away. "That didn't go well."  
  
"I told you he wouldn't make a scene here." Carter sighs and shifts Bella to his other arm. "I should have let him believe she's ours."  
  
"She is ours."  
  
He nods and reaches for my hand. He squeezes it gently. "Don't let my father get to you."  
  
"If you promise you won't let him get to you either."  
  
He glances in the direction his father walked off. "No promises. I really wanted him to be…I don't know. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but I thought…I don't know what I thought. I wanted him to want to hold her."  
  
I have a feeling something happened with Barbara that alienated her from the family, but this isn't the time or place to ask Carter about it. He's still holding my hand and he starts walking toward the chairs. We sit down in the front, leaving a seat open for Jack to sit next to Carter.   
  
It's my turn to squeeze his hand when Jack sits down. He glances at me, and there are tears in his eyes. I want to take him in my arms and make all his pain go away. I'm not sure how much more he can take, and if his father shuts him out now because of Bella…I don't even want to think what will happen…  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Dad, I really wish you would come by the house," Carter says.  
  
Jack shakes his head. "I'm a busy man, John. I have things to do."  
  
Carter nods, and I think about punching his father right in the nose. It's the least he deserves. But I just stand there and keep my hands to myself. Sometimes I really wish I could be impulsive like my mother…  
  
"Okay, Dad. You know where I am if you change your mind."  
  
"Good night, John." Jack turns his back and walks away. Just like that. He doesn't even care that his son just stands there staring after him, probably feeling totally crushed inside.  
  
"We had a deal. We weren't going to let him get to us, remember?" I say softly.   
  
He nods. "It's just hard. I buried my mother today and my father can't even come back to the house."  
  
"I know."  
  
He looks into my eyes, and tries to smile. I smile too, even though I think we both just want to cry. He takes my hand again and we go back to the house in silence.   
  
Bella slept through the funeral and is now wide awake and demanding attention. Carter sits on the floor with her and tires to keep her entertained with the toys we brought home on the plane. I expect he'll want to go shopping tomorrow, and buy her all kinds of extravagant toys.  
  
I sit on the sofa behind them, just watching him with her. A small part of me feels jealous, and I am disappointed in myself for acknowledging it. But he should be up here on the sofa with me. I should be comforting him, and here I sit, alone, feeling like a third wheel because he is so focused on the baby.  
  
After a half hour, I get up and walk outside to get some fresh air. I find my way to the garden and sit on the stone bench. The bird bath Carter's grandfather ran into with the lawnmower hasn't been fixed. It will probably never get fixed or replaced, but will sit there in the perfectly manicured lawn as a testament to John Truman Carter Senior.  
  
I sense him there before he sits down. I hate to say it but I am more than relieved to see he is alone. "I put her down for a nap," he says softly. He's staring at the damaged bird bath.  
  
"Carter…" I start but he shakes his head as if my words, or my voice, pulls him out of a trance. He looks at me and reaches for my hands, both of them.   
  
"Don't talk," he commands. "I want to ask you something." He let go of one of my hands and reached into his pocket. My heart skipped a beat and I felt my breath catch in my throat.  
  
He pulls out a small box. I see it out of the corner of my eye, because my eyes are locked on his face.   
  
"Abby, will you marry me?"  
  
I stare at him for a long moment and he stares back. I know he must know the answer already. I nod, I can't speak. There aren't words to say what I want to say.   
  
He takes the ring out of the box and slides it on my finger. It's a little loose, but it will do until I can get it sized. First thing tomorrow…  
  
I wrap my arms around his neck and stretch my arm out so I can see the ring. "Carter, it's beautiful."   
  
"It was my great grandmother's. My great grandfather gave it to her the day he went to war. It was a promise, that he would come back to her no matter what."  
  
I nod. If he's making the same promise to me, I'm making the same promise to him by wearing the ring.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
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	5. Chapter 5

A New Life  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 5  
  
I throw my arms around him and hold my hand out so I can see the ring. "You really did just ask me to marry you, didn't you?" I say. "It's not a dream, is it?"  
  
He leans back and shakes his head. "It's not a dream."  
  
"Oh Carter, I love you so much."  
  
"I love you too." I tilt my head back, he leans in to kiss me. Nothing has ever felt more right in all my life.   
  
There's just one problem. I do not want to live in a mansion. But we can talk about that later. Right now I just want to hug him and kiss him and be with him. I never want this moment to end.   
  
"We should go in and check on Bella," he says after a few minutes. He stands and holds his hand out to me. He's shaking, and I can't help but smile. It's somehow comforting to know he's as nervous as I am.  
  
I shake my head and put my hand out to him.. "Bella is just fine." I don't want to lose this moment, this feeling. I want to hold on to it as long as I can. "Just sit with me out here a little longer." He glances at the house, then sits beside me on the bench. I lean into him with another kiss and gently tug his shirt out of his pants so my hands can slide under the material.  
  
He shivers at my touch. "Abby…" he moans, and I feel the hairs stand on the back of my neck. I wouldn't have ever believe I could feel so much love for him that it threatens to suffocate me.   
  
Impossible to remember how we fought, just five days ago, when he said hew as leaving for Africa to join Luka in the fight to save the world. Crazy to think how I felt that night, how I believed it was over between us, how his harsh tone made me think he never wanted to see me again.  
  
None of that matters now. He didn't go to Africa, he came back to me, he knew he could lean on me despite everything. He *knows* he can lean on me always.  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
I roll over and reach for him, but my hands come up empty. I sit up and rub the haze of sleep out of my eyes. "Carter?" Of course he doesn't answer, he's not here. I throw the covers back and slip out of the bed. I grab my robe and tip toe across the hall to Bella's room.  
  
I expect to find him sitting with her, but she is sound asleep, alone. I stand in the doorway watching her for a moment before I remember I have to find Carter. My first thought is this house is so big, he could be anywhere.   
  
I work my way through all the rooms upstairs, saving his grandmother's room for last. I figure he might go there to feel closer to her, but no. There is no sign of him, no sign that he had been there at any point since the furniture was covered with protective plastic.   
  
I expand the search to downstairs. The kitchen seems the most likely place, but it is as empty as all the other rooms. I'm starting to feel a little bubble of panic form in my gut, and my feet respond by moving a little faster through the house.  
  
"Carter?" I call out. Nothing.  
  
In his grandfather's study, I find the outside door open. I rush across the room and into the night. "Carter!" I yelp. The moon is high, and full, giving just enough light to see basic shadows and outlines of objects.  
  
My eyes scan the yard, searching for any sign of him. Movement to my left, in the garden. It may have just been a tree swaying in the breeze, but I take off running toward it. "Carter!" I have no idea if I'm yelling or whispering, I can't hear my own voice over my heart pounding in my ears.  
  
He's there, pacing. His hands are in his hair, gripping it, like he means to pull it out at the roots. "Carter…" I slow my step and approach him cautiously. He looks at me and I have the eerie feeling he's looking right past me, or maybe right through me. Like he doesn't even see me. He gasps like he can't catch his breath, and even in the darkness I can see the tears streaking his face.  
  
"Carter? Carter, what is it? What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't know. I'm dying. I'm dying. I can't…I'm dying…" The words tumble out of his mouth so fast I can barely understand him.   
  
"No, baby. No. You're not dying." I reach out to him. "You're having a panic attack." He treats at least half a dozen people a week who think they are having a heart attack, but it turns out to be a good old fashioned panic attack, but I don't think this is the time to remind him of that.  
  
He pulls away from my hand and resumes pacing. "Gamma died. Mom died. Barbara died. Grandpa died. Bobby died. Everybody's dying."  
  
I can only stand there and watch him for a moment. My mind races with a thousand jumbled thoughts. I have to get him inside. I have to calm him down. I have to stay calm myself.  
  
"Let's go inside." I hope he will respond to the simple suggestion. "I'll fix you some tea."  
  
"I don't want any tea!" he yells. He's really clawing at his head now and I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. If I could grab him and drag him inside, I would. I have to do something. I can't just stand here and watch him fall apart.  
  
I take a step toward him so he can't take another step without going around me. He stops, and I reach up and catch both his wrists in the circle of my fingers. I gently pull his arms down.  
  
His lip trembles, his eyes close, and his breath falters. He sways and I let go of his wrists to put my arms around him. I pray he doesn't throw his weight against me because I'm not sure I can hold him up, but I take a step back toward the house.  
  
I don't know how, but I manage to get him inside. I get him on the couch in his grandfather's study. He curls up as much as he can, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs.  
  
I sit down beside him, and for a moment it's all I can do to concentrate on my own breathing to get my heart rate under control. Then I put my arms around him and just hold him until he calms down.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
As always, I invite you to use the review option to let me know what you think of the chapter. In fact I'm begging you to review me ;) And thanks so much for reading…Oh, one more thing: This chapter is dedicated to my very own personal stalker, you know who you are ;) Thanks for all the encouragement and inspiration. You're the best! 


	6. Chapter 6

A New Life  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 6  
  
The sun wakes me. I sit up, disoriented for a moment, not sure where I am. I'm sitting on a couch in an office. I glance around, and when I see Carter curled up against the arm of the couch, I remember everything about last night. He's asleep now, and though he murmurs as I stand up, he doesn't wake.  
  
I look at my watch. Quarter after seven. Bella should be awake by now. Way down here we wouldn't hear her crying. I don't want to leave Carter, but I have to go check on the baby.   
  
She is crying. I hear her when I reach the stairs. I take the step two at a time. The first thing I see is her little fists pumping the air. Her feet too. Her fact is beet red. She's been crying a while.  
  
"Hey, sweetheart," I lean over the playpen she's sleeping in. Her head turns toward my voice. "I'm sorry, honey. Car---Daddy and I were downstairs. He's not feeling so good." I pick her up and hold her against my chest.  
  
She continues to cry for several minutes. I pace the bedroom, singing whatever I can think of to help her calm down. She finally settles, and rubs her face against my shoulder.  
  
"I bet you need a diaper change, huh?" I put her down, and the crying resumes full force. Not the best work conditions, but I get her changed. "Come on, sweetheart. I'm sorry. We fell asleep downstairs and I couldn't hear you crying. But I'm here now."   
  
This time doesn't take so long to settle her down. Once she's quiet, I take her down to the kitchen and fix her bottle. I don't dare put her down, and it's not exactly easy to fix the bottle with her in my arms, but I manage.  
  
And then she won't take it.   
  
I feel like crying. I feel like throwing the bottle across the room just to see it splatter against the wall.   
  
I take a deep breath and shift her to my other arm. "Bella, honey, I know you're upset. A lot has happened in a very short time, and I'm really sorry about this morning. I'm still getting used to this. I've never had a baby in the house before, except Eric and that was a long time ago. I was just a little girl. So it's going to take some time for all of us to adjust. But you have to eat. Come on, sweetheart. Take the bottle. I know it's not what you're used to, but it's the best we can do right now."   
  
Her little hands push the bottle away from her mouth. I sigh and set it on the table. Forcing her will only frustrate both of us.   
  
I lean my head back to look up at the ceiling. I don't even hear Carter come in, I don't know he's there until he lifts Bella out of my arms. I bring my head back around to look at him.  
  
He looks like hell. He's pale, his hair is a mess, his eyes are sunken and wildly unfocused. He takes a step back and stumbles, catching himself on the edge of the table.   
  
He rights himself and grabs the bottle. "Carter..." I put my hand on his arm and the overhead light catches the stone in my ring, the ring he gave me last night. That seems so long ago now.   
  
"Let me do this," he says softly. "I need to do this." He walks out of the room, his steps uncertain, as if he were drunk.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
I hate this house. It's insane. Why anybody would feel the need to live in a house this big is beyond me. It must stretch a mile in each direction. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it feels like it.  
  
I wonder what Carter would say if I told him I don't want to stay here? My apartment is too small for the three of us, and baby-proofing the place would be nearly impossible…I'd like a small house, a quaint little house with a white picket fence…  
  
I almost laugh out loud at the thought. But I've got half the fairy tale already. I've got a huge rock on my finger, the promise of marrying a doctor, a beautiful little girl…Why can't I have the house with the white picket fence?  
  
I follow the sounds of Bella crying. Carter has her in the study. He's sitting on the floor with her in his lap. His legs are bent to support her weight.  
  
The bottle is still full, on the floor beside him. He looks up at me, and there are tears in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this," he says softly.  
  
"Carter, she's probably just confused. She doesn't know where she is, she doesn't know what's happening. She misses her mother. It hasn't even been a week. She's grieving."  
  
I kneel beside him and he turns to me, puts his arm around me and his face to my shoulder. I sit on my bottom and scoot closer to him, so I can put my arms around him.   
  
I'm not sure how long we sit like this, I don't think there is any way to measure time like that. I'm almost afraid of what he'll do or say when he pulls back. At least Bella has quieted down.   
  
Carter looks at me for a long moment, then reaches up to comb my hair away from my face with fingers as gentle as butterfly wings.  
  
"My mother had a nervous breakdown after…after Bobby." I close my eyes and put my palm against his cheek. "It was his birthday, four months after he died. She just couldn't handle it."  
  
"Carter…"  
  
He shakes his head. He looks like he might say more about his mother, but Bella starts fussing again. He looks down at her and traces the line of her cheek, her lips, her chin, her neck. Then he looks up at me and sighs. "We have to get a crib for her." He braces himself on the couch with one hand and pulls himself up.   
  
Of course money is not an issue at all, so he buys her the most expensive crib set he can find. I just stand back and let him take care of things, even though it seems kind of ridiculous to spend fifteen hundred dollars on toys for an eight week old baby. I don't care how much money he has, fifteen thousand is a lot of cash.  
  
We're stopped at a red light. Bella is asleep. He glances at her through the rearview, then reaches over to grasp my hand. "I really do love you."  
  
"I love you too," I answer.   
  
The car behind us honks. The light is green.   
  
"I was thinking," I say without thinking about what I'm going to say. "What do you think about getting a smaller house? The mansion is…it's so big. Last night we couldn't hear Bella crying, and I…" I stop because I notice he's gripping the steering wheel tighter than he should. "Carter?"  
  
"The mansion is all I've got."  
  
"No, it isn't. You've got memories. You've got Bella."  
  
He hits his palm against the wheel. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" He screams and Bella starts crying. I put my hand on his arm to try to calm him, but he only seems to get more agitated. He jerks the wheel, causing us to swerve into the other lane. Thank God there is no one there.  
  
"Carter, Pull over. Please. Pull over." He jerks the wheel harsh in the other direction, spinning us off the road into the ditch. The car from behind us pulls over just a head of us.  
  
Carter is collapsed over the steering wheel crying. Bella is screaming. I want to scream and cry and stomp my feet, but I get out of the car with several deep breaths to keep calm.  
  
"Everything all right, Miss?"   
  
I nod and push my hair out of my face. "My husband is just upset." I call him 'husband' because 'boyfriend' sounds so lame.   
  
"Is there anything I can do?"  
  
He has a soft voice and beautiful blue eyes. I shake my head. "We're fine. Really, but thank you for your concern."  
  
He seems hesitant to leave us, so I turn back toward our car. I sit down and put my hand on Carter's arm. "I'm sorry."  
  
"It's happening to me." I don't like the ominous tone of his voice.  
  
"What's happening to you?" I move my hand up to the back of his head. He turns to look at m, his forehead resting on the steering wheel.   
  
"I can feel it. Inside me. It's happening."  
  
"I don't understand. Carter, what is it? What's happening What do you feel happening?"  
  
He starts beating both his hands against his head. I grab his wrists and hold his arms down. "Carter, stop. Please stop. You're scaring me." I look up but the other car is already gone, and more cars are just driving past us like nothing is happening. Why don't they know I need help? Dear God, I need help…  
  
His arms go slack, his head rolls forward, to the steering wheel again. I check his pulse instinctively.   
  
"Shut up!" I scream at Bella. "Just shut up!" Of course she doesn't. She doesn't even know what I'm saying to her. I take a deep breath. "Okay, Abby. Think."  
  
I realize the only thing I can do is pull Carter over to the passenger's side. It's not easy, because he's like dead weight, but I manage. I strap the seatbelt on him and walk around to the driver's side and drive back to the mansion.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Aye yi yi. Poor Carter. He's one messed up puppy. So, thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions? I want it all. All you have to do is hit review and give me a few seconds of your time. Come on, you know you want to (and yes, I am BEGGING)Thanks so much for reading! 


	7. Chapter 7

A New Life  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Carter is sleeping, Bella is sleeping, Abby is not sleeping. I think I'm too exhausted to sleep. I close my eyes and I relive Carter's panic attack in the garden or the fiasco in the car. I still don't get that one. I know he's under a lot of stress and he needs to get the pain out somehow, but that whole deal seems a little extreme.  
  
I could stand at the foot of the bed just watching him sleep until the end of time. He looks so young, so sweet, so innocent. Like he doesn't have a care in the world. He looks like a prince. Did I kiss a frog and I just don't remember?  
  
I almost laugh out loud at the thought. But this isn't some fairy tale, this is real life. This is my life, this is his life, this is Bella's life now. I just hope he gets his emotions under control soon, because I don't know how much more of this I can take.  
  
He stirs in his sleep and turns over on his side, mumbling something incoherent. I step closer trying to hear, but the words are too jumbled. I have a gut feeling he's not making any sense anyway.  
  
He's facing me now, and I'm a little surprised to see his eyes open. The corners of his mouth twitch. "Are you just going to stand there watching me all night? Or are you planning to join me?"  
  
I feel a smile spread across my face. "Is that an invitation?"  
  
"Do you need it engraved in gold?"  
  
I shake my head and start to hang my robe, which is his robe, on the end of the bed, but he grabs my arm, pulling me to him, which leaves the robe to fall on the floor. I giggle as he pulls me onto the bed, but the laughter is silenced with a kiss.  
  
I wonder if he knows how much I love him?  
  
His hands slide under my tank top and I shiver involuntarily. He giggles at that, so I have to silence him with a kiss, and I slide my hands under his T-shirt. He shivers, mocking me with an exaggerated shake. I swat his shoulder and he catches my wrist in the circle of his fingers.  
  
I stare into his eyes as he stares at the ring on my finger. "We're really getting married, aren't we?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Let's go to Vegas."  
  
I blink at him. Did I hear him right? "What?" I squeak.  
  
He smiles, his beautiful, lopsided, mischievous smile. God I love him, and if he's serious…if he really wants to go to Vegas and get married…I wouldn't have the strength to say no. I wouldn't *want* to say no.  
  
"Unless you want to wait…"  
  
I shake my head. "Today wouldn't be soon enough."  
  
"I should have married you a long time ago."  
  
I kiss him because I don't like the tone of his voice and I don't want him getting depressed or anything. He slides his arms around me and rolls me onto my back. I look up at him and nod. Maybe the intimacy of making love will help settle the demons inside him.  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
He's crying softly, using his pillow to muffle the sounds. He doesn't know I'm awake. I focus on laying perfectly still. He slides his arms out from under me slowly, carefully. I keep my eyes closed, even though it's killing me to pretend to be asleep. I want to turn to him and put my arms around him, hold him, let him cry on my shoulder.   
  
He takes a deep breath before he gets out of the bed. I can barely hear his feet shuffle across the floor. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door softly. He doesn't turn the light on.  
  
I turn over on my back and look up at the ceiling. The draperies over the windows do a good job keeping all light out of the room. We have a night light in the bathroom, but since he closed the door there is no light at all in the bedroom.  
  
I sigh and close my eyes and fling my arm up over them. I won't stay like this long, I know. I turn on my side facing away from the bathroom door. He's a grown man, and he deserves his privacy. But I can't help but wonder what he's doing in there, and I can't make myself not turn toward the door. I want to know when he comes back to bed.   
  
If he comes back to bed.  
  
I can't stop the nagging feeling that he's headed for a breakdown. That's what he meant in the car when he said he could feel it happening to him. The panic attack in the garden, the whole thing in the car, those are clear signs.   
  
He's only going to get worse until something pushes him over the edge. I should find help for him before that happens. But where? If I know John Carter, and I think I do, he won't agree to any kind of treatment. He'd rather suffer through it on his own, because professional treatment means drugs and he's battled that addiction once.   
  
Battled. As if. He's still battling it. He'll always be battling that addiction.   
  
I sigh and sit up. I can't take it anymore. I can't just lay here like nothing is wrong when my mind is going a thousand miles an hour because I know something is very wrong. Not something. Everything.  
  
I tap on the door. "John?" He doesn't answer. I didn't really expect him to. "John, are you in there?" I turn the knob and push the door open slowly.  
  
He's sitting in the bathtub with his knees drawn up to his chin. He doesn't move, even when I kneel beside him and put my hand on his shoulder. "John?"  
  
I don't like this. I've got that hair-standing-on-end feeling and I really don't like it.   
  
"Come back to bed, John."  
  
Nothing. And then Bella crying. I don't want to leave him, I really don't want to leave him sitting in the bathtub, but I can't just ignore Bella.   
  
I stand. "I'm going to check on the baby." My feet do not want to move. But I have to. I look back at Carter one last time from the door. "I love you," I tell him, and then I go to Bella.   
  
I change her and take her downstairs to try to feed her. She resists, but not as forcefully as she has been, and after a couple tries she takes the nipple and drinks.   
  
At least I can be thankful for that. She's finally eating.   
  
I take her back upstairs and sit in the rocking chair with her.  
  
"Can I hold her?"  
  
I look up, startled to see Carter in the door way. I nod and stand and ease Bella into his arms. He takes my place in the rocking chair.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
I thought I would never get this chapter written. Please, please, please tell me what you think. I need feedback. It only takes a second…and it means so much…Thanks for reading! 


	8. Chapter 8

A New Life   
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 8  
  
"Where is he now?" Susan asks. Her voice is so soft, soothing. Just what I need right now to calm my nerves. I feel like I could jump out of my skin.  
  
I switch the phone to my other ear and sigh. If the receiver had a chord I'd have it wrapped too tight around my finger by now. Instead my hands are in my hair, just so they have something to do, some place to be.   
  
I close my eyes and remember Carter curled up on the floor beside Bella's crib. "He's sleeping. He sleeps all the time, Susan." I don't tell her the sleep never lasts long and ends with Carter screaming from a nightmare or shivering and unresponsive in the bathtub.  
  
"Do you need me to bring anything?"  
  
I shake my head, then remember she can't see me. "No. I think we're okay." Truth is I want her to get here as soon as she can. Big as this house is, the walls are closing in on me. "I thought I could do this, Susan. I thought I could see him through this, just the two of us and Bella, but I can't. I can't do it anymore."  
  
"I'm on my way, Abby."  
  
"Thank you." I feel the thickness of tears in my throat as I hang up. I push my fingers against my eyes to fight it back, but it's no use. So I sit and cry and I'm still sitting there crying when the doorbell rings. I feel weak and unsteady on my feet, but make it to the door by keeping one hand on the wall.  
  
I unhook the fifteen locks Carter had installed during a fit of paranoia. I also try to wipe my eyes and dry the tracks on my cheeks before I open the door. I don't know why, because seeing her standing there sets off a new wave of tears.  
  
She takes me in her arms and for just a moment, I let myself forget. I feel safe. Protected. And then I remember.  
  
Carter. Upstairs. In Bella's room. Asleep on the floor. He never sleeps this long. I should have checked on him. As soon as I got off the phone with Susan, or even while I was still on the phone. I should have checked on him.  
  
I try to pull away from Susan, but she catches my wrist and pulls me back.   
  
"I need to go check on him. It's too quiet up there."  
  
Susan nods and follows me upstairs. It really is too quiet. It's the kind of eerie quiet that feels like a time bomb. Something is wrong, very wrong up here. I can feel it. Like a chill in my bones. Like the feeling I had as a kid, when I woke up and knew, just knew, Maggie was gone even before I looked in her room.   
  
And now, right now, I know Carter is not going to be in Bella's room, where I left him.  
  
Even the crib is empty.   
  
I turn to Susan and she's right there, right behind me. I tear away from the empty room, and stumble to the master bedroom to check the bathroom. No sign of them.   
  
"Carter!" I call, and Susan echoes me. "Carter! Carter!"  
  
There is no answer, and honestly, I didn't expect one.  
  
"He's gone. He took Bella and he's gone."  
  
"We need to search the house before we jump to conclusions," Susan says, and I know she's right. "You search upstairs. I'll go downstairs."  
  
I nod. I don't even wait to watch her go. I run to the nearest room, the room Carter used to sleep in when he was a kid staying with his grandparents. Nothing.  
  
It's the same in every room. Nothing looks out of place.   
  
There's no trace of him downstairs, either. No door left open or anything. It's as if he just disappeared into thin air.  
  
Susan searches the grounds, and still there is nothing to indicate that Carter had been anywhere.  
  
"Was his Jeep in the garage?"  
  
"I would have heard him…" I would have, wouldn't I? I would have heard him come down the stairs, I would have heard him go into the garage. I would have heard him…How could I not hear the car start? Or the garage door go up?  
  
"It's not in the garage, Abby. Is it supposed to be there?"  
  
I nod. "He's gone…" Hot tears sting my eyes. My knees feel weak. The world feels fuzzy. Black…  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey, welcome back," Susan smiles.  
  
I try to sit up. "How long was I out?"  
  
"About a minute."  
  
"We have to find Carter, Susan."  
  
"Maybe he went to the store. Give him time to come back on his own."  
  
I shake my head, sending daggers of pain through my skull. "No. Susan, you don't understand. You haven't seen him lately. He's not…He's…I'm worried about him, Susan. That's why I called you. He's not himself."  
  
"What do you want to do? The police aren't going to help until he's been gone 24 hours."  
  
"We could drive around and look for his Jeep."  
  
"I'll drive around and look for his Jeep. You stay here in case he come home."  
  
I nod. I want to go with her and be part of the search, but she's right. I should stay home. Even though I don't think Carter is going to come home.   
  
"Check his apartment. And mine. He might go there…"  
  
"Try to stay calm, Abby. I'm sure he's jus gone to the store or something. He'll come home and you'll feel silly for worrying so much."  
  
"I hope you're right." But I know in my heart she isn't right. And as soon as she's gone, I call the hospital to see if Carter and Bella have been brought there.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
End chapter 8. Feedback is greatly appreciated. It only takes a moment…so what are you waiting for? Thanks for reading! 


	9. Chapter 9

A New Life (9/?)  
  
It's been a week. Seven days and seven nights. Susan has stayed with me, hasn't left my side even for a moment. I don't know, I can't remember, if I've told her how much I appreciate her dedication. I know I've told her to go away, to get back to her own life. But I also know she's not going anywhere. Not until Carter turns up. Somewhere. Somehow.  
  
It's like Carter and Bella disappeared right off the face of the earth, Jeep and all. No sign of them anywhere. Like they never existed. And with each passing second, the thoughts in my mind grow more intense, more disturbing, more horrific.  
  
What if he drove the jeep over a cliff, a ravine, some far away place no one will ever find him.   
  
What if they were kidnapped, taken away, erased from existence?  
  
What if they were killed somehow? Would it have been quick? Would they have suffered?   
  
What if…what if…what if…  
  
I feel like I'm slowly going over the edge. Before long, Susan's going to have to put me in a mental hospital for my own safety. It's too late for my sanity.  
  
I jump every time the phone rings. My heart flutters in my chest, like wings flapping inside my throat. I feel like a butterfly caught in a net. There's hope, for that moment before Susan picks up the phone, before she says hello, before she hears the voice on the other end that isn't Carter.  
  
Susan's trying to convince me to take a nap. As if I'd even sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep knowing he's out there, not knowing if he's okay, if he's even alive. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.  
  
I'm just starting to go upstairs, even if I can't sleep, I wouldn't mind a few minutes alone. I'll hug his pillow, breath the scent of him off his clothes. The ringing of the doorbell, followed by a sharp blast of a fist rapping against the door, brings me back down.   
  
Susan rushes to the door, as if she might protect me from whatever lay on the other side. Over her shoulder, I see a dark blue shirt. Police. My heart and my gut bottom out. Oh God. Carter. I rush down the stairs, to Susan's side. Every nerve in my body is alive, jumping with fear.  
  
There are two officers on the porch. Susan invites them inside. They're both so young, fresh faced. They remind me of med students on the first day of rotation in the ER. Nervous to the point they jump at their own shadow.  
  
Officer Nick Michaels introduces himself, and his partner Ryan Greer. I want to tell them I don't have time for small talk. Just tell me why you're here. Tell me where Carter is. Nothing else matters.  
  
He lost me when he said 'A small town in Oklahoma, holed up in a motel room.' I felt the world split open, a huge gaping hole widening right there at my feet.  
  
Images of my mother flashed through my mind. Would he have the television of a static channel for the noise, to drown out all other sounds? Would I have to bathe him and force him to eat something? Would I have to sit with him in the back of a rental car and hold his hand to make sure he didn't try to OD on something?   
  
Would I have to commit him to a bed up in psych?  
  
I fell head first into the black hole. The drop was softer than I would have expected. Smooth. Like slipping under the covers in bed.  
  
The suddenness of it hit me like an iron fist to my chest. I sat up gasping for breath. Susan was there, easing me back down, smoothing the hair from my face.  
  
"Where is he? Is he okay? Bella…Where is Bella? Is she with him? Is she okay?"  
  
Susan sat down beside me. On the edge of the couch. They must have moved me from the floor. I could see a flash of blue uniform beyond her shoulder.   
  
"He checked into the motel five days ago. The owner of the motel said he looked like he needed rest. He thought he might have been running from someone or something. Other guest complained about the baby crying all night long. The owner and his wife offered to take care of her for a while, so Carter could get some sleep. They waited a few days, but Carter never came back for Bella. Two days ago they looked up his registration, but he used a false name. So they called the cops to run the license plate from his Jeep."  
  
"Is he okay? Tell me he's okay, Susan. Tell me he didn't hurt himself…"  
  
Officer Nick Michaels stepped forward then, he moved into my line of vision but stayed behind Susan. "Once the police were involved, they broke into the room. They gave Mr Carter –"  
  
"Dr. Carter," I interrupted and I don't even know why. Maybe because I wanted this cop, this stranger, to know Carter isn't just some street punk. But then, the mansion is probably a dead give away.  
  
"Yes, Dr. Carter. They gave Dr Carter several opportunities to open the door himself, but he did not. He has been detained in police custody at a local hospital in Oklahoma. I do not know the details, I'm sorry."  
  
I look up at Susan, wide eyed, wild eyed, and desperate. "Bella! Where is the baby? Do you know that much?" I surge up off the couch, past Susan, lunging toward the cop who can not tell me anything about Carter's condition.  
  
"I'm sorry. I do not know that either. I would assume the police have her."  
  
"Oh God." My heart bottomed out, the black hole opened up and swallowed me whole once again.  
  
End chapter 9. Again I apologise for taking so long between chapters. But, I haven't abandoned my fics here. Really. I haven't. So let me know what you think of this chapter, and I'll try to get another one out before long. Thanks! 


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